Cooter Crisis!

I wasn't going to write about this as my first blog post, you know, since none of you know me. But that's not my style. So I'm going to jump right in.

I am supposed to be sleeping but I'm not. Because I have a doctor's appointment. This in itself is not stressful. I'm a relatively healthy 25 year old and I'm relatively sure that any health issues I have are directly related to my asthma and nothing else. Nothing to worry about.

So why the stress, you ask? (Well maybe your not, but I'm going to tell you anyway).

My doctor is going to want to do a pap smear. Now I'm going to make a very quick tangent and remind all you wonderful ladies that a pap smear and annual exam are critical to good health and taking care of yourself, and if you're not getting checked out every year, now is a great time to start.

It's not the fact that the speculum is kept in a freezer (seriously, there must be a mini fridge hidden in one of the cabinets or something). Or the fact that I'm laying naked under something the size of a napkin with my legs spread wide open so anyone who happens to walk into the wrong room can see all I have to offer. It's not even the fact that they will use the speculum version of the jaws of life to jack me up like a car.

It's the fact that I've known my practitioner literally my entire life and she's a family friend.

She is a brilliant doctor, and would never act unprofessionally ever. To her, it's just another part. However, to me, it's something that will be discussed in therapy for years to come.

Every time she sends a Christmas card, "Merry Christmas" will read "I've seen your crotch". Family dinners are completely out of the question, as every time she says "Pass the potatoes"I will hear "I've stuck my fingers in you like a bowling ball".

Although I know my doctor would sooner die than ever break doctor patient confidentiality, every time she talks to my mother alone, the conversation will go something like this:

Doc: So your daughter came in for a check up

Mom: Really?

Doc: Yep. Did you know she's slept with (Number removed as not to kill my father if he ever reads this) people?

Mom: Wow, my daughter is a whore.

That's how it will go. I am positive of this, because I am that neurotic. And then they will rewrite their slutty daughter out of the will and give everything to my twin sister.

And it's too late to cancel the appointment. Does anyone have a Valium?

what r U B!tching about?