It's about a month before Valentines Day. I know this only because Valentine's Day is forever branded into my psyche as the day every single one of the people I have dated have screwed the pooch and gotten me something phenomenally stupid.
And it's not that I don't love them, I do. It's just that none of them should ever be allowed to pick out a gift by themselves ever again. This is not mean, this is the truth. One Valentine's Day, I hinted around that I wanted a necklace. And by hinted, I mean I took him the to jewelry store, pointed out which specific necklace I wanted, and had the sales clerk write down all the information so my boyfriend could return and buy it.
So you can imagine my surprise when on Valentine's Day, he hands me a huge box. Upon further inspection, I realized that despite my best efforts, he bought me a blender. You can't make this shit up folks.
He got me a blender.
Now, In his defense, it came with margarita fixings, and inside of it was my necklace. I'd feel bad leaving that part out. But as someone who traditionally receives crappy gifts, I would not have been surprised if he had bought the blender and one of my friends told him that I would have him deported if he got me a kitchen appliance for Valentines Day and he got the necklace as a way to retain citizenship.
So as a way to help other females, I present to you a quick cheat sheet for you to email to your significant other. Unless you really want a blender.
Things To Never Get Your Woman For Valentine's Day If You Want To See Her Naked Again:
1.Kitchen appliances she doesn't specifically ask for. Nothing says "Bitch make me a pie" like getting a kitchen appliance instead of the teardrop diamond earrings she told you about seventeen times.
2. Tickets to sporting events. Now, I love sports. I really do. But if I wanted to watch sweaty men slam into each other and making grunting noises while occasionally slapping each other on the ass on Valentine's Day, I'd pop in an adult movie.
3. A gym membership. She may be saying she's wanted to get in shape for awhile. That doesn't mean diddly. Get her a gym membership and all she will hear is "Wow. Your ass could replace Pluto as a planet".
4. A CD. Now, a mixed CD of some of your songs could be sweet. But unless you really 100% for sure know that she wants a copy of "Kill Em All", you might want to take a pass on this.
5. Poetry you wrote yourself. Now, if you're an amazing poet, by all means have at it. But if you're not, save your dignity. Think of it this way: If you think its embarrassing now, imagine when she posts it on the Internet after you break up.
6. Any song you wrote yourself. Or any song anyone else wrote. Or anything involving you and any musical endeavor, period. There is nothing worse than watching someone you care about embarrass themselves while attracting stray animals.
7. Anything they have to take care of. I know, sucks doesn't it. That little puppy, she'd just love it! However, she also has to take care of it. Until the day it dies. Your thoughtful gift comes with a huge price tag. My best friend got me a pitbull one Valentine's Day (Yea, you thought I was joking about my gifts, didn't you?) . I work 11 hour days, I live alone in a 1 bedroom apartment, and I'm allergic. Thoughtful? Yes. Practical? No.
8. Anything that comes with a free knife set. If it can cut through an aluminum can without dulling, chances are it's not the right gift.
Again, you'd think that most of these would be common sense. But as a woman who has received a blender, a 115 pound dog, illicit drugs, a book of handwritten poetry, among other things, I feel it's time to stop the madness.
Spread this to your friends, no woman should have to endure this pain alone.
what r U B!tching about?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Reasons Men Cheat
For whatever reason, my female friends always come to me for relationship advice. The latest have been a string of girls, all sitting in my apartment, crying and smearing mascara all over my favorite suede pillow because their boyfriend cheated on them.
Then they ask me the same question. "Why? Why would he do that?!"
And to be brutally honest, I'm sick of answering the same question over and over again. So here, I made a handy little cheat sheet for you.
Reasons men cheat:
1. He's drunk. Spare me the bullshit about how alcohol is no excuse. Once, in college, I slept with a guy I met at a Metallica concert because he was in a band and sounded like James Hetfield. That, my friends, is the magical power of beer. I still get a little randy when I hear Master of Puppets.
2. He's bored. Nothing breeds infidelity faster than boredom. Its easy to fall into a rut with your significant other. If missionary is your thing and you refuse to deviate from that, fine. Just don't come bitching to me when you catch him porking some chick with fake boobs doggy style in a shed at the Home Depot.
3. He found someone thinner than you. Yes, it's not nice. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I'm sitting here eating ice cream typing this, and my ass is far from small. However, if you met him as a size 2, and now you're rocking a size 26, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened.
4. He found someone who shaves/waxes. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people this, but good lord, trim that down. If it looks like an ewok is hugging you around the waist, there is a problem that needs to be addressed besides his infidelity.
5. You don't put out. Ever. The most loyal guys in the world will cheat if they aren't getting it at home. It's that easy. They will hump the first sure thing they find, and chances are it's going to be some fugly broad who is built like a linebacker.
6. You don't pay attention to him. Sure you live with him, but if you come home from work and spend the rest of the night flapping your jaw at your family and friends on the phone or watching The Hills, don't get pissy when he's dicking the broad who said. "Nice shoes." to him earlier that day at the bookstore.
7. You pay too much attention to him. There is such a thing. If you don't have a life outside of him, he's eventually going to schlup someone else simply because it's a break from you following him around all the time. If you can't define yourself outside of him, you deserve to get the clap from his girlfriend on the side. And believe you me, she exists, solely because she's not you. And he can fuck her without her asking questions like "What are you thinking about?"
8. He found someone who doesn't constantly treat him like shit. If most of your conversations consist of you nagging at him for stupid shit, don't act shocked when he sleeps with someone else. He's doing it because chances are, the other woman isn't going to berate him for throwing his underpants on the floor and has learned to shut the hell up once in awhile.
9.You keep inviting your friends over for girls night out. Seriously, if they keep coming over to your house and have to get dressed and do nothing but walk around in panties and underwear while getting dressed for the night, he's gonna fuck one of them. Trust me, the best sport fuck in the world is your best friend.
10. You cheated on him first. It sucks, but nothing evens the score like sticking it to some big tittied blonde in your bed, especially when you started it.
11. He cheated before and you forgave him. Excuse me for being cynical, but people rarely change. If he cheated on you once, there is a very good chance he will do it again. Had you dealt with it appropriately the first time, he wouldn't have had the opportunity. Remember: If he's in traction, you'll know where he is at all times. Just saying.
12. Sport. If he's always wanted to fuck a model, a socialite, his therapist, a midget, a married woman, an amputee, or what have you, chances are he will take the opportunity when it comes up.
13. He's out of the country. A lot of people think that this gives them the green light to hump anything that moves, because there is no chance that their significant other will find out. And truthfully, unless they pick up the clap from a hooker in Tijuana, this really is the perfect crime.
14. That brings us to the professional cheat. This one is simple. In a place where prostitution is legal, all bets are off. In the very eloquent words of a friend of mine, "It's not cheating if you pay, it's a business transaction".
15. You stopped caring. If you've traded in your makeup and miniskirt for a scrunchie and sweatpants, what do you expect? He started dating a hottie, not Peg Bundy. If you can't be bothered to make yourself look at least presentable once in awhile, he'll find someone who will. A little eyeliner never killed anyone.
16. He has the opportunity for a threesome. I've said it before, I'll say it again. This is the American Dream, and expecting him to turn this one down is like expecting him to set a winning lottery ticket on fire. If he does it, he's a complete moron and his friends will never let him live it down.
17. His friends. Yes, most of the time they're a lovable bunch of dysfunction, but make no mistake about it. The minute they get wind that you're behaving like a frigid bitch, they waste no time in trying to get their buddy to screw someone worthwhile that they like. Every time they go out, they'll be showing him some girl at the bar, introducing him to one of their friends, trying to hook him up with the stripper, the girl cashiering at Walmart...basically anyone who isn't you.
18. He has the opportunity to pork a celebrity. The definition of celebrity is a loose one. It could be a girl who starred in a grapejuice commerical 15 years ago. See the girl on TV running along the beach talking about yeast infections? Yea. He'd do her too. This includes weather people, internet bloggers, actual celebrities, and convicts.
19. His ex girlfriend is back in town. She's 10 pounds thinner. And damn does she look good.
20. His ex girlfriend is getting married. Nothing, I repeat, nothing, starts a flood of regret faster than watching someone you once had really great sex with promise to only have sex with one person for the rest of their life when that other person isn't you. Just like when they discontinue your favorite ice cream flavor, you have to binge on it one more time for old time's sake.
21. You stole him from his last girlfriend. Really, Corky. This one ought to be self explanatory. If he cheated on her, what makes you think that you are so fantastic that he won't do the same to you? Unless you have the Golden Pussy and beer flavored nipples, chances are, you're no different than his last girlfriend.
22. He lacks the testicular fortitude to end it with you. Yes, it would be easier just to break it off instead of schlupping the pizza delivery girl. Some guys actually think that cheating on you so you'll dump them is easier. Next time, might I suggest dating someone whose testicles have dropped already?
23. He's gay. Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. But if he's gay and you're not, then you're kind of at a crossroads in your relationship if you will. And I know, you're thinking that never happens. But it does, all the time. Chances are if hes cheating on you, and it's with another man, your boyfriend is gay and will continue cheating on you with men. Because that's what gay men do, they have sex with other men. Who are also gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Because there's not. Stop looking at me like that.
24. You're bad in bed. This might seem obvious to, well, everyone else on earth. But if the sex with you sucks, he'll go elsewhere. Just like food, if you go to a restaurant and the food absolutely blows, you'll only go back if you're absolutely famished. Congrats, your pussy is now a second rate burger joint.
25.He got married. Nothing, I repeat, nothing, makes a man rethink his sexual prowess like promising one woman that she will be the only one he has sex with ever again. He will stick the first thing that's willing to spread her legs, just to prove to his friends and himself that he doesn't have to ask you to take his balls out of your purse so he can use them. So he stood in front of all of his friends, family, and God and announced that you are the only woman he wants to see naked ever again. Everyone makes mistakes. And before you tell me it can't be a mistake if so many people are doing it, I ask you to look at parachute pants, or any other fashion trend made popular in the 80s. Convinced now?
26. He has a work wife, or a hot secretary. This is also known as the power fuck, as the power dynamic tends to lean heavily in his favor this time. He spends the majority of his time with these people, and when those business trips come up, they are far away from you in a swank hotel with a bar. That's like putting Amy Winehouse in a room with a kilo of cocaine and telling her not to touch it. There is a way around this however. If his secretary is a flaming homosexual, you can probably sleep soundly.
27. You're in a long distance relationship. Yes, he loves you. Yes, you're his world. You're also 2000 miles away and there's a slut who can suck the chrome off a bumper in the same apartment complex. It doesn't matter that she's the most boring person on earth, or looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel. She's there, you aren't. And much in the same way that children smell fear, she can smell that he's horny and alone.
28. The girl he always wanted but could never get showed up. I don't care who you are. Everyone has that one unattainable person in life. Their unicorn. And when the unattainable thing you could never have is at the same bar as you, smashed off of tequila and slurring to you how much she always liked you, there's not a whole lot you can do besides her. In seventeen different positions.
29. She does the one thing you won't do. Every person has the limit of the things they will do. Be it letting him splooge on your face, poke you in the pooper, string you upside down to the ceiling fan...whatever. If he finds someone who does it, you're in trouble. I am in no way advocating doing things that you are uncomfortable with. I am, however, suggesting that you destroy the women who are comfortable with it in order to maintain your relationship. Desperate times, desperate measures.
30. He has a penis. Now, I love all the men in my life and I have been "one of the boys" for all of my life, which has given me a unique perspective on life and one bit of knowledge that is irrefutable. Having a penis makes you do stupid shit. This explains the fact that wrestling is considered a sport, why NASCAR will always have fans, and most of Lindsay Lohan's career.
what r U B!tching about?
Then they ask me the same question. "Why? Why would he do that?!"
And to be brutally honest, I'm sick of answering the same question over and over again. So here, I made a handy little cheat sheet for you.
Reasons men cheat:
1. He's drunk. Spare me the bullshit about how alcohol is no excuse. Once, in college, I slept with a guy I met at a Metallica concert because he was in a band and sounded like James Hetfield. That, my friends, is the magical power of beer. I still get a little randy when I hear Master of Puppets.
2. He's bored. Nothing breeds infidelity faster than boredom. Its easy to fall into a rut with your significant other. If missionary is your thing and you refuse to deviate from that, fine. Just don't come bitching to me when you catch him porking some chick with fake boobs doggy style in a shed at the Home Depot.
3. He found someone thinner than you. Yes, it's not nice. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I'm sitting here eating ice cream typing this, and my ass is far from small. However, if you met him as a size 2, and now you're rocking a size 26, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened.
4. He found someone who shaves/waxes. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people this, but good lord, trim that down. If it looks like an ewok is hugging you around the waist, there is a problem that needs to be addressed besides his infidelity.
5. You don't put out. Ever. The most loyal guys in the world will cheat if they aren't getting it at home. It's that easy. They will hump the first sure thing they find, and chances are it's going to be some fugly broad who is built like a linebacker.
6. You don't pay attention to him. Sure you live with him, but if you come home from work and spend the rest of the night flapping your jaw at your family and friends on the phone or watching The Hills, don't get pissy when he's dicking the broad who said. "Nice shoes." to him earlier that day at the bookstore.
7. You pay too much attention to him. There is such a thing. If you don't have a life outside of him, he's eventually going to schlup someone else simply because it's a break from you following him around all the time. If you can't define yourself outside of him, you deserve to get the clap from his girlfriend on the side. And believe you me, she exists, solely because she's not you. And he can fuck her without her asking questions like "What are you thinking about?"
8. He found someone who doesn't constantly treat him like shit. If most of your conversations consist of you nagging at him for stupid shit, don't act shocked when he sleeps with someone else. He's doing it because chances are, the other woman isn't going to berate him for throwing his underpants on the floor and has learned to shut the hell up once in awhile.
9.You keep inviting your friends over for girls night out. Seriously, if they keep coming over to your house and have to get dressed and do nothing but walk around in panties and underwear while getting dressed for the night, he's gonna fuck one of them. Trust me, the best sport fuck in the world is your best friend.
10. You cheated on him first. It sucks, but nothing evens the score like sticking it to some big tittied blonde in your bed, especially when you started it.
11. He cheated before and you forgave him. Excuse me for being cynical, but people rarely change. If he cheated on you once, there is a very good chance he will do it again. Had you dealt with it appropriately the first time, he wouldn't have had the opportunity. Remember: If he's in traction, you'll know where he is at all times. Just saying.
12. Sport. If he's always wanted to fuck a model, a socialite, his therapist, a midget, a married woman, an amputee, or what have you, chances are he will take the opportunity when it comes up.
13. He's out of the country. A lot of people think that this gives them the green light to hump anything that moves, because there is no chance that their significant other will find out. And truthfully, unless they pick up the clap from a hooker in Tijuana, this really is the perfect crime.
14. That brings us to the professional cheat. This one is simple. In a place where prostitution is legal, all bets are off. In the very eloquent words of a friend of mine, "It's not cheating if you pay, it's a business transaction".
15. You stopped caring. If you've traded in your makeup and miniskirt for a scrunchie and sweatpants, what do you expect? He started dating a hottie, not Peg Bundy. If you can't be bothered to make yourself look at least presentable once in awhile, he'll find someone who will. A little eyeliner never killed anyone.
16. He has the opportunity for a threesome. I've said it before, I'll say it again. This is the American Dream, and expecting him to turn this one down is like expecting him to set a winning lottery ticket on fire. If he does it, he's a complete moron and his friends will never let him live it down.
17. His friends. Yes, most of the time they're a lovable bunch of dysfunction, but make no mistake about it. The minute they get wind that you're behaving like a frigid bitch, they waste no time in trying to get their buddy to screw someone worthwhile that they like. Every time they go out, they'll be showing him some girl at the bar, introducing him to one of their friends, trying to hook him up with the stripper, the girl cashiering at Walmart...basically anyone who isn't you.
18. He has the opportunity to pork a celebrity. The definition of celebrity is a loose one. It could be a girl who starred in a grapejuice commerical 15 years ago. See the girl on TV running along the beach talking about yeast infections? Yea. He'd do her too. This includes weather people, internet bloggers, actual celebrities, and convicts.
19. His ex girlfriend is back in town. She's 10 pounds thinner. And damn does she look good.
20. His ex girlfriend is getting married. Nothing, I repeat, nothing, starts a flood of regret faster than watching someone you once had really great sex with promise to only have sex with one person for the rest of their life when that other person isn't you. Just like when they discontinue your favorite ice cream flavor, you have to binge on it one more time for old time's sake.
21. You stole him from his last girlfriend. Really, Corky. This one ought to be self explanatory. If he cheated on her, what makes you think that you are so fantastic that he won't do the same to you? Unless you have the Golden Pussy and beer flavored nipples, chances are, you're no different than his last girlfriend.
22. He lacks the testicular fortitude to end it with you. Yes, it would be easier just to break it off instead of schlupping the pizza delivery girl. Some guys actually think that cheating on you so you'll dump them is easier. Next time, might I suggest dating someone whose testicles have dropped already?
23. He's gay. Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. But if he's gay and you're not, then you're kind of at a crossroads in your relationship if you will. And I know, you're thinking that never happens. But it does, all the time. Chances are if hes cheating on you, and it's with another man, your boyfriend is gay and will continue cheating on you with men. Because that's what gay men do, they have sex with other men. Who are also gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Because there's not. Stop looking at me like that.
24. You're bad in bed. This might seem obvious to, well, everyone else on earth. But if the sex with you sucks, he'll go elsewhere. Just like food, if you go to a restaurant and the food absolutely blows, you'll only go back if you're absolutely famished. Congrats, your pussy is now a second rate burger joint.
25.He got married. Nothing, I repeat, nothing, makes a man rethink his sexual prowess like promising one woman that she will be the only one he has sex with ever again. He will stick the first thing that's willing to spread her legs, just to prove to his friends and himself that he doesn't have to ask you to take his balls out of your purse so he can use them. So he stood in front of all of his friends, family, and God and announced that you are the only woman he wants to see naked ever again. Everyone makes mistakes. And before you tell me it can't be a mistake if so many people are doing it, I ask you to look at parachute pants, or any other fashion trend made popular in the 80s. Convinced now?
26. He has a work wife, or a hot secretary. This is also known as the power fuck, as the power dynamic tends to lean heavily in his favor this time. He spends the majority of his time with these people, and when those business trips come up, they are far away from you in a swank hotel with a bar. That's like putting Amy Winehouse in a room with a kilo of cocaine and telling her not to touch it. There is a way around this however. If his secretary is a flaming homosexual, you can probably sleep soundly.
27. You're in a long distance relationship. Yes, he loves you. Yes, you're his world. You're also 2000 miles away and there's a slut who can suck the chrome off a bumper in the same apartment complex. It doesn't matter that she's the most boring person on earth, or looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel. She's there, you aren't. And much in the same way that children smell fear, she can smell that he's horny and alone.
28. The girl he always wanted but could never get showed up. I don't care who you are. Everyone has that one unattainable person in life. Their unicorn. And when the unattainable thing you could never have is at the same bar as you, smashed off of tequila and slurring to you how much she always liked you, there's not a whole lot you can do besides her. In seventeen different positions.
29. She does the one thing you won't do. Every person has the limit of the things they will do. Be it letting him splooge on your face, poke you in the pooper, string you upside down to the ceiling fan...whatever. If he finds someone who does it, you're in trouble. I am in no way advocating doing things that you are uncomfortable with. I am, however, suggesting that you destroy the women who are comfortable with it in order to maintain your relationship. Desperate times, desperate measures.
30. He has a penis. Now, I love all the men in my life and I have been "one of the boys" for all of my life, which has given me a unique perspective on life and one bit of knowledge that is irrefutable. Having a penis makes you do stupid shit. This explains the fact that wrestling is considered a sport, why NASCAR will always have fans, and most of Lindsay Lohan's career.
what r U B!tching about?
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