Valentine's Day, my ass.

It's about a month before Valentines Day. I know this only because Valentine's Day is forever branded into my psyche as the day every single one of the people I have dated have screwed the pooch and gotten me something phenomenally stupid.

And it's not that I don't love them, I do. It's just that none of them should ever be allowed to pick out a gift by themselves ever again. This is not mean, this is the truth. One Valentine's Day, I hinted around that I wanted a necklace. And by hinted, I mean I took him the to jewelry store, pointed out which specific necklace I wanted, and had the sales clerk write down all the information so my boyfriend could return and buy it.

So you can imagine my surprise when on Valentine's Day, he hands me a huge box. Upon further inspection, I realized that despite my best efforts, he bought me a blender. You can't make this shit up folks.

He got me a blender.

Now, In his defense, it came with margarita fixings, and inside of it was my necklace. I'd feel bad leaving that part out. But as someone who traditionally receives crappy gifts, I would not have been surprised if he had bought the blender and one of my friends told him that I would have him deported if he got me a kitchen appliance for Valentines Day and he got the necklace as a way to retain citizenship.

So as a way to help other females, I present to you a quick cheat sheet for you to email to your significant other. Unless you really want a blender.

Things To Never Get Your Woman For Valentine's Day If You Want To See Her Naked Again:

1.Kitchen appliances she doesn't specifically ask for. Nothing says "Bitch make me a pie" like getting a kitchen appliance instead of the teardrop diamond earrings she told you about seventeen times.

2. Tickets to sporting events. Now, I love sports. I really do. But if I wanted to watch sweaty men slam into each other and making grunting noises while occasionally slapping each other on the ass on Valentine's Day, I'd pop in an adult movie.

3. A gym membership. She may be saying she's wanted to get in shape for awhile. That doesn't mean diddly. Get her a gym membership and all she will hear is "Wow. Your ass could replace Pluto as a planet".

4. A CD. Now, a mixed CD of some of your songs could be sweet. But unless you really 100% for sure know that she wants a copy of "Kill Em All", you might want to take a pass on this.

5. Poetry you wrote yourself. Now, if you're an amazing poet, by all means have at it. But if you're not, save your dignity. Think of it this way: If you think its embarrassing now, imagine when she posts it on the Internet after you break up.

6. Any song you wrote yourself. Or any song anyone else wrote. Or anything involving you and any musical endeavor, period. There is nothing worse than watching someone you care about embarrass themselves while attracting stray animals.

7. Anything they have to take care of. I know, sucks doesn't it. That little puppy, she'd just love it! However, she also has to take care of it. Until the day it dies. Your thoughtful gift comes with a huge price tag. My best friend got me a pitbull one Valentine's Day (Yea, you thought I was joking about my gifts, didn't you?) . I work 11 hour days, I live alone in a 1 bedroom apartment, and I'm allergic. Thoughtful? Yes. Practical? No.

8. Anything that comes with a free knife set. If it can cut through an aluminum can without dulling, chances are it's not the right gift.

Again, you'd think that most of these would be common sense. But as a woman who has received a blender, a 115 pound dog, illicit drugs, a book of handwritten poetry, among other things, I feel it's time to stop the madness.

Spread this to your friends, no woman should have to endure this pain alone.

what r U B!tching about?